How to Respond to Gossip at School or in the Workplace

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Effectively shut down gossip and rumors with these strategies

Written by Jessica George, MA, CHt | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: August 25, 2023 Fact Checked

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Shutting Down Gossip About Yourself

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Handling Gossip About Other People

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

Everyone talks about other people behind their backs from time to time. But gossiping and spreading rumors can become a real problem, especially if those rumors are hurtful or tear someone down. Whether you’re hearing rumors about yourself or about other people, we’ve got all the tips to help you avoid gossip in your daily life. Keep reading to learn how you can deal with gossip in the workplace or between friends.

This article is based on an interview with our marriage and family therapist, and certified professional master life coach, Jessica George, co-founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Talk to the person who spread the rumor, and let them know you don’t appreciate what they’re saying about you.
Ignore the gossip as best you can, and continue on with your usual routine. Remember that gossip says more about the other person than it does about you.
Talk to someone in charge about the gossip if it’s affecting your performance at work or the rumor just won’t seem to go away.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Shutting Down Gossip About Yourself

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1
Get your friends on your side. Pick people you know and trust, and tell them about what’s happening. If the rumor's not true, they can fight the rumor by shooting it down whenever they hear someone bring it up or see it online. If the rumor is true, they can still help stop its spread by sticking up for you and chastising people that spread it.
- Another great reason to turn to your friends is that they'll make you feel like you're not overwhelmed. When it seems like everyone you know is talking about you behind your back, you can feel absolutely surrounded—good friends will remind you that there are always people who love and respect you.
- Some people gossip because they want to feel like they’re part of a group. If everyone around them is gossiping, it’s likely they’ll gossip, too. By telling your friends about gossip, they can shut it down in a group setting, even when you’re not around.
- Remember, gossip is just an unconfirmed report about someone that’s unlikely to be totally true. Most people know that what they hear from gossip isn’t a fact.
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Confront the source of the rumor directly. If you know for sure who's responsible for spreading a nasty rumor about you, don't take it lying down. When you have a chance, walk right up to them and say that you don't appreciate the mean things they have said. Stay calm and collected while doing this to avoid causing any more drama.^{[1]
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- Say something polite yet direct, like: "Hey. I want you to know that I don't appreciate the things you've been saying about me. Please stop." Then, just walk away—this person doesn't deserve your time. Ignore any insults you hear as you're walking away.
- Sometimes, the person who started the rumor didn't do it on purpose. It may, for instance, be a friend who simply let a secret slip by accident. In cases like this, it's OK to express your disappointment, but avoid acting in a way that seems vindictive or accusatory.
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Ignore the gossip. Gossip is oftentimes best dealt with by paying no attention to it at all. A good policy is to react to gossip as if it doesn't bother you.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach

Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} When you hear that there's a rumor going around about you, simply blow it off with a comment like, "Heh. You'd have to be pretty dumb to believe that." Other people will take their social cues from you. If you act like the rumor isn't worth your time, there's a good chance they'll follow suit.^{[3]
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- When you hear gossip about yourself, laugh it off. Act as if it's ridiculous! Share a chuckle about it! Turn the tables by making the person who started the rumor the butt of the joke—how hilarious is it that they actually thought spreading a dumb rumor about you would work?
- If you see gossip about you on social media, don’t comment or reply to it. That way, the gossipers won’t have anything else to gossip about, and they’ll eventually move on.
- Many people gossip because they’re jealous of you or have low self-esteem. You could even think of a rumor about you as a compliment—someone was so infatuated with you, they felt like they had to make up lies to damage your image.
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Keep a healthy self-image. When you're worried about a piece of gossip changing the way others think about you, it's bad enough. Don't let gossip change the way you think about yourself! The worst thing you can do is to allow a piece of gossip to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Remember that just because someone's said something about you doesn't mean it's true. If someone's nasty enough to spread gossip about you, they're definitely nasty enough to lie.^{[4]
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- For instance, if you happen to overhear people talking about how you speak with a slight lisp, don't become silent and withdrawn to avoid having to hear the sound of your own voice. Everyone has small quirks that make them unique.
- Boost your self-esteem by remembering your strengths and doing things that make you feel confident.
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Stick to your usual routine. If you know there's an awful rumor going around about you, it can be tough to go about your day like normal. Try your hardest not to shy away from the activities you would normally participate in. Doing so will only make you feel more isolated. Instead, show the world how little you care about the gossip by not altering the way you live in the slightest.^{[5]
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- If someone told the whole office that you got fired from your last job for stealing, for instance, you’re probably not looking forward to chatting with people in the break room. Do your best to keep up appearances and make small talk with the coworkers you know you can trust.
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Tell an authority figure. If nasty rumors and gossip are a frequent problem, or if someone's told a rumor that might get you in trouble for something you didn't do, talk to your boss or someone in charge. These people can help you work through the problem—they can give you advice on how to proceed, make you feel better, and even dole out discipline to people who've started the rumor.^{[6]
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- Talk to an authority figure if the gossip makes you feel like you may retaliate by doing something drastic, like starting a fight or spreading rumors about the other person.
- In the workplace, your boss might have a plan to deal with office gossip. If so, you can work together to nip rumors in the bud.
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Stay away from people who gossip. As popular or cool as they may seem, these people are sad and desperate. They can't have a good time without spreading hurtful rumors about someone else. Don't bother with them. Find friends who don't get enjoyment from hurting people.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach

Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} Remember: a friend who stabs you in the back by telling a nasty rumor isn't much of a friend at all.
- It can also help to de-identify from the situation, or remind yourself that gossip is not a reflection of you. Most of the time, people gossip about you because they’re anxious or want attention, not because they don’t like you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Handling Gossip About Other People

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1
Don't pass the gossip along. The most important thing you can do when you hear gossip about someone is to stop the rumor in its tracks. No matter how juicy it seems, it's not worth hurting someone's feelings.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach

Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} Put yourself in this person's shoes, and remember that you’d likely feel betrayed or hurt if someone was spreading rumors about you to avoid gossiping.
- Try to limit the amount of time you spend with people who gossip. The less you’re around them, the less you’ll feel tempted to spread rumors or talk about other people.^{[9]
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  Sheila A. Anderson
  Certified Image Consultant & International Branding Icon
  
  Expert Interview. 19 July 2021.}
- Let's say your colleague comes to you with a juicy secret about your other coworker named Jason—he’s been out on PTO all week because he’s afraid he’s getting fired! In this case, just calmly say something like "Oh, let's not spread rumors about him" to squash the conversation.
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Look for facts, not rumors. Don't start avoiding or antagonizing people just because you heard something bad about them. One of the reasons gossip can hurt so badly is because it can change the way friends and acquaintances act. Never change the way you think about someone until you have reason to believe the things you've heard are true.^{[10]
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- Before talking about someone else, stop and ask yourself: “Is what I’m about to say harmful or helpful?”^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sheila A. Anderson
  Certified Image Consultant & International Branding Icon
  
  Expert Interview. 19 July 2021.}
- In our example, you wouldn’t let the rumors about Jason change your behavior in any way. You certainly wouldn't avoid Jason in the break room or complain to management about his behavior.
3
Avoid spreading rumors, even if they’re true. Lots of the gossip you hear is completely bogus, usually made up by someone to get back at someone else. Sometimes, however, rumors are true or half-true. Even if you're sure that a rumor you hear is true, don't spread it. It's very embarrassing to have private information spread around. Would you like it if everyone knew some true bit of embarrassing information about you?^{[12]
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- Let's say that you know the rumor about Jason is true because your boss let it slip in a private meeting. Keep this information to yourself. If you tell other people, the information could be even more hurtful to Jason than a false rumor. Gossip is still gossip if it's true.
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Keep other people’s private information a secret. Sometimes, people will trust you with sensitive personal information. This may be something they know about someone else, or it may be information about themselves. If someone's trusted you with a secret, never tell anyone else without their permission. Not only is it a big breach of their trust, it's also a sure-fire way to start the spread of a rumor that can easily spiral out of control.^{[13]
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- The best way to avoid telling a secret is to simply feign ignorance and pretend that you don't know anything. If someone asks you about a friend or makes a comment about a colleague, simply say, “I don’t know,” and move on.
- Silence is powerful. If someone tries to gossip with you, don’t say anything at all. Eventually, they’ll get bored and move on.^{[14]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jessica George, MA, CHt
  Certified Professional Master Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}
5
Keep mean thoughts to yourself. While you’d probably never start a rumor on purpose, venting about someone can start a wild rumor that takes off before you know it. Instead of talking about people behind their back, keep your thoughts to yourself, or only vent to people that you absolutely trust.^{[15]
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- Try talking to friends who don’t know the person you’re talking about. If you’re venting about a coworker, for instance, talk to your friend who works in a completely separate industry. There’s very little chance that your words will spread to anyone else.
- Even telling trusted friends can carry risks. They may, in turn, tell other people that they trust. As this cycle repeats, more and more people will hear your gossip and the chance that it will make its way into the general population will increase.
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Report a rumor to higher-ups if it’s affecting someone’s life. A rumor doesn’t have to be about you for you to report it. Sometimes, a nasty rumor comes your way, and you can tell it’s going to hurt someone’s feelings. Tell your boss or HR right away.^{[16]
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- Violating someone's trust by telling your boss about something dangerous they plan to do can make you feel guilty, as if you've betrayed this person. However, someone's physical well-being is more important than his or her sense of trust in you. In fact, in most cases, it's disloyal not to prioritize a friend or coworker’s safety.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you stop people gossiping around you?

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).

Jessica George, MA, CHt

Certified Professional Master Life Coach

Expert Answer

Gossiping people are looking for others to share the gossip with. Do not offer up your opinion, as this feeds them. If you stay neutral, they will eventually get the hint that you are not playing into their game. Silence is powerful.

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Question

Why do people gossip in front of you?

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).

Jessica George, MA, CHt

Certified Professional Master Life Coach

Expert Answer

Gossiping people are looking for others to share the gossip with. To avoid that, call attention to others so that no attention is on the gossiping person.

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Tips

If someone you know is gossiping about a friend, stand up for them and defend their character instead of staying silent.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Sheila A. Anderson
Certified Image Consultant & International Branding Icon

Expert Interview. 19 July 2021.}

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Remember the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated! Don't spread around rumors as payback.

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