GOTTFRIED LEIBNIZ, MATHEMATICIAN: When Isaac first explained his theory of gravity to me, I remember being impressed. Not by the theory, which, as far as I could tell, was basically that stuff falls down. But definitely by the name. Gravity. That’s got a ring to it. It’s punchy. I knew it would be a success.
EDMOND HALLEY, ASTRONOMER: Isaac is an absolute genius, when it comes to branding. I mean, we all knew that stuff falls down. He didn’t exactly come up with that. But he was the first guy who really sold it. And the story about the apple falling out of the tree? That was a nice touch.
VOLTAIRE, WRITER: I could have discovered gravity. Do you think an apple has never fallen out of a tree and hit me on the head before? Guess what—that happens to me all of the time. Big deal.
LEIBNIZ: I have to admit, even I was surprised by how fast gravity caught on. I still don’t completely understand it. Not the theory—I definitely understand the theory, which is, again, very simple. I just don’t understand how it became such a phenomenon. But whatever. People like what they like.
HALLEY: Look, I get it. Isaac’s theory of gravity was more accessible than some of my stuff. I’m more of a scientist’s scientist. It’s nice that he found such a big audience, but that’s not everybody’s primary goal.
VOLTAIRE: Let me explain something to you. I have an apple tree, in my back yard, under which I frequently sit. It is a terrible tree. It has a disease or something. Apples are constantly dropping down right onto my head. I hate that tree! What were we talking about again? Oh, right. Newton. That guy’s a hack.
LEIBNIZ: I noticed that Isaac started doing this thing at parties where he would go up to people and introduce himself as “Isaac Newton, the gravity guy.” And then he would do this little shrug, like he was embarrassed. It always made my skin crawl.
HALLEY: If he’d gone around calling himself “Isaac Newton, the guy who noticed that stuff falls down” he probably wouldn’t have gotten as much attention. But it’s all about networking and putting yourself out there. And let’s just say that there’s a certain type of person who intrinsically understands that.
LEIBNIZ: I don’t want to come across like I’m jealous or anything. I’m not. I invented the pinwheel calculator, which people are probably going to be using for centuries to come. So, we both have our things. It’s fine.
HALLEY: Did you know that I funded his research for the Three Universal Laws of Motion? How the hell did he talk me into giving him money for that? The guy is a snake charmer. I mean, look at this crap: “An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion.” So, basically, things stay the way they are unless something changes. Great. Very good, very specific discovery. Thank you for letting us know, Isaac.
VOLTAIRE: I actually had my own discovery relating to apples, which was that when an apple falls out of a tree and hits you on the head, juice comes out of the apple. To me, that seems more interesting than whatever Newton was talking about.
LEIBNIZ: Also, we both invented calculus independently of each other, and he accused me of plagiarism, but let’s not get into that right now. Again, it’s fine and I am fine.
HALLEY: I guess maybe I wasn’t clear on the rules for what exactly constitutes a discovery. Like, it can be anything? You just say something you see and give it a catchy name and then everybody hails you as a genius? “Hey, I just came up with a new law. It’s called the Law of . . . Tables. It states that a table will remain a table unless it gets broken or something.” Wow. So smart.
LEIBNIZ: Did I mention that I invented the pinwheel calculator? Make sure you include that in whatever this is.
VOLTAIRE: The first time an apple hit me on the head? I guess I was around seven years old. Someone threw a rotten apple out of a window and—blam! And that has happened to me at least once a week ever since. It is my curse, and I’m pretty sure it’s somehow Isaac Newton’s fault.
HALLEY: I discovered a fucking comet. That’s a discovery.
ISAAC NEWTON, DISCOVERER OF GRAVITY: You were talking to whom? Oh, yeah, I remember them! We used to do science together, back when I was coming up. Whatever happened to those guys?
