Dreams About Exes Are More Common Than You Think — Here's Why

DEAR DR. JENN,

I'm in a new relationship and am truly happy. I rarely think about my ex anymore and honestly feel like I've moved past the relationship. The thing that is throwing me off, though, is that she keeps showing up in my dreams. Sometimes it's sexual, but most of the time it's not. I keep waking up feeling really guilty and confused ... does this mean on a deeper level I'm not really over her? — The Ex Files

DEAR EX FILES,

You are not alone. Dreaming about an ex is incredibly common — and no, it doesn't necessarily mean you have a deep-rooted desire to get back together, nor does it mean that you are dissatisfied with your current partner. Dreams and the unconscious mind are far more complicated than that.

Still, it can be unnerving to not know why your former flame is making an appearance. Here are a few common reasons why you might be dreaming about your ex — and how to work through each scenario.

1. You are mourning the loss of the relationship.

Even when a breakup is a good thing, we have to grieve the loss of the relationship and the person in our life. What does not get worked out during our waking hours gets worked through while we sleep. You may even dream about your ex dying, not because you want her to, but because you are mourning the 'death' of that relationship. This is a healthy part of letting go.

2. You are working through a past trauma.

Our unconscious mind is always trying to work through unresolved issues, whether they're from childhood, previous relationships, or some other trauma we've experienced. If there's an unresolved issue in your life, it's likely to follow you from relationship to relationship. For example, if your first love betrayed you, you may dream about cheating on your new love with your ex to work through your trust issues. In other words, your ex may simply be a stand-in to help your unconscious work through the larger roadblock.

3. You are integrating previous relationship lessons.

The more distance we get from a breakup, the more awareness we tend to have. That means it's not uncommon to process a breakup in stages — even long after you think you've "moved on." Sometimes, dreaming about someone you once loved is a way of helping you take the lessons you learned in the previous relationship into your new one. Consider it a gift — and a sign that you're evolving and growing.

4. Your ex represents something else significant.

In dreams, people, places, and things are often symbolic. Your ex may symbolize a time in your life or something else important. A good question to ask yourself: What feelings or memories does the person make you connect with when you analyze the dream? This can provide a roadmap for you to better understand what your ex is representing. It can also help you work through and process whatever you need to deal with (that probably has nothing to do with your ex).

5. You need closure.

Sometimes, we dream about an ex because we don't feel at peace with how things ended. Whether you wanted out of the relationship or not, breakups often don't go as planned. Maybe you wish you said something differently or that you behaved differently. Maybe something your ex said upset you and stayed with you, but before you text your ex to get "closure," know this: We don't need to actually speak to an ex in order to get what we need to feel resolved with the end of a relationship. Sometimes, a dream is a way of working towards that closure on our own.

6. You have unmet needs in your current relationship.

Even if you are happy with your new love, it's normal for there to be some things you wish were different in the relationship. Maybe there is something that your ex did that you wish your current partner was providing, emotionally or sexually. In this case, the dream might help shine a light on an unmet need so you can talk it out with your current partner. (And no, you don't need to share that you had a dream about your ex to do that.)

7. You are just not over your ex.

In my clinical experience, this is the least likely scenario. Usually, when someone is not over their ex, they know it and are talking about it in their waking hours. On occasion, there are situations where someone is just very out of touch with their emotional process and is not over their ex, and it shows up in their dreams. If this is the case, you have some soul-searching to do. It's important to look at why the relationship ended, what did not work for both people, and to figure out if it is something you really want. Keep in mind that people often idealize a relationship once it is over or feel lonely and desperate to get back with someone that is familiar.

How to Decode Your Dreams

Our unconscious mind tends to code things in our dreams so they aren't startling enough to wake us up. However, they can provide enough information to help us to process the difficult things we need to work through. This is applicable even when your dream is not about someone you once dated. Any time you have a dream you are looking to decipher, ask yourself a few questions to get to the bottom of what it's really about.

• What do you feel in the dream?
• Is this an old feeling or a new feeling? If it is old, when do you first remember feeling it?
• What might this person, place, or thing represent from your past?
• If any numbers are mentioned in your dream, what do you associate those numbers with?

Final Thoughts

Our dreams are a pathway to our unconscious mind. If your dreams are on your mind or concerning you, you may want to consider keeping a dream journal so you can look at patterns, themes, feelings, and issues that come up repeatedly. This can help you use your dreams to work through the things on your mind — whether that's your ex or not.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.