My HR Person Is Gossiping About Me
Dear Evil HR Lady,
I recently had some time off work as I had several problems with a mentally ill member of my family and I had found out I was pregnant at the same time as well as being between moving houses.
I was much stressed and so told a lady in my HR department all the facts about what is going on so that I could get some leeway while trying to overcome the problems I was facing.
I have since sorted out my situation and am handling it a lot better and have sorted my accommodation as well. It seemed as though my problems could soon be a memory of the past however I have since found out that the lady in HR has told other people outside the HR department, but within the company, that I was pregnant and had an abortion.
The other lady in HR has been known to spread rumors about me as she is seeing a man I used to see, however I have no contact with him anymore and am not interested in him, but she now does not like me and makes that clear and known to all and spreads rumors about me and has warned people away from talking to me and being my friend.
I want to make a complaint but am unsure whether to as I think that being HR they will know exactly how to cover their backs. I feel as though I no longer want to work here. I am disappointed, betrayed and I feel vulnerable and exposed.
I feel as though this could affect my reference to as I now want to leave and look for another job.
I feel as though there is nothing I can do without evidence however I have a friend who has informed me of most of the gossip and she has said she is willing to stick by my side to confirm that what I am saying is true and that she thinks they are bullying me. She only told me about the pregnancy gossip to prevent me from confiding anymore with the girl in question as she was treating my personal business as gossip.
What should I do? Or what would you do?
First of all, I would complain to the HR person's boss. Disclosing information that you told her in confidence is an ethical violation. However, keep in mind that there's no HR licensing board and no official sanctioning. HR people also aren't required to keep things confidential as your doctor or lawyer would be. There is no HR/employee privilege.
There are things HR must not keep confidential. If your HR person finds out any information about illegal activity (such as sexual harassment or racial discrimination) she must act. Not acting opens the company up to lawsuits and fines. This means you cannot go to your HR person and say, "Bob is sexually harassing me, but please don't say anything to Bob." Nope. Not gonna happen. We have to investigate. Which means Bob is going to find out that someone complained about him. (Sometimes that can be confidential, and sometimes it can't. For instance, if you're complaining that Bob's girlie calendar is creating a hostile environment, we don't have to bring up your name. But, if you're complaining that Bob cornered you in the elevator and tried to get a close, personal view of your tonsils, your name is going to come up.)
Also, HR isn't (generally--there are exceptions) subject to HIPAA. You tell us health information, we can talk about it. Should we? No. But, we won't get fined or sent to jail or anything like that.
But, she was out of line. The information that you had an abortion isn't something that needs to be shared. But, depending on how it came up, it may not be as cut and dried as it may seem. You were asking for accommodations because you were going through a difficult time. Please keep in mind that unless you were the mentally ill family member's primary caregiver you wouldn't qualify under FMLA for time off. So, there is a big chance that you told her about the abortion in order to further gain sympathy so that you could increase your probability of getting the accommodations that you needed. Not saying that that wasn't the right decision at the time, just pointing out that you had to know that this was gossip fodder. And it's not unusual for HR people to bounce things off each other.
So you told HR Lady 1 and she mentioned it to HR Lady 2 in a completely professional capacity and HR Lady 2 blabbed it all over the company. Again, it's totally inappropriate, but not totally unexpected.
And this is a mistake people often make--they act as if the world we live in is ideal and then are shocked when the world isn't ideal. I would be very leery of telling anyone who knows the gossip queen anything. She cannot be trusted, so I would act as if she can't be trusted.
Now, about your reference. Nobody wants to speak with HR when they call for a reference. HR will confirm dates and titles and maybe salary, but that's about it. You might be able to pull out a reason for termination, but that's unlikely. The person who everyone will want to speak with is your boss. You need to be focused on the relationship with her, because that's where it's going to count. She's the one that will get the phone call asking about you.
Furthermore, if you're looking while still employed, most recruiters won't contact your current company because that may damage your current job and that is unethical. So, my point is, this gossip shouldn't affect your job hunt one bit.
And one more thing to keep in mind: Most people just don't care that much about this kind of stuff. Sure, it's interesting for a moment in that, "Oh my goodness, she did what?" kind of way, but then they all go back to their regular lives. Plus, once everyone knows about it, there's no need to talk about it. Now, if you were having an ongoing affair or something then there would be additional information to discuss, but in the case of an abortion, it's already done. There's no need to discuss it further. "Karen had an abortion!" "Wow!" "Okay, where do you want to go for lunch?" Seriously. If you stop focusing on it, other people will stop focusing on it.
And one more piece of advice--you may think you're handling everything well, but I recommend contacting your company's Employee Assistance Program (if they have one). They really are confidential. (The people who field your calls really don't have contact with anyone at your company.) You may need additional help getting through this difficult time and they can be there for you.
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Photo by studiostoer, Flickr cc 2.0.
