I, Pepé Le Pew, Can No Longer Catcall The Ladies
Thanks, Social Justice Warriors!
In recent news, France is considering making catcalls illegal.
Sacre bleu! Marlene Schiappa, the minister of gender equality — have you seen her legs, by the way? Ooh la la! — says men will be fined on the spot for harassing females on the street.
As a skunk and a star, I say those pussycats want to be grabbed. My admiration gives them a reason to get up in the morning. You disagree? Ah, I love your fiery nature, your passion! There’s nothing I like better than some spirited resistance and a lady who puts up a fight. It makes winning so much sweeter.
As the famous saying goes, all cats look alike in the dark. (We French are nothing if not subtle.) If those cats were not interested, they would avoid ridiculous “accidents.” Take Mademoiselle Penelope Pussycat, for instance — she pretends not to be interested, but ducks under a newly painted fence, leaving a white streak down her back. If she didn’t want the attention, she wouldn’t present herself in such a tempting way.
The lesson is that a persistent man with self-confidence always gets what he wants. Look at that Harvey Weinstein. He’s not the looker I am, but he wielded his power over all those little starlets and made them see things his way or never work again. And Donald Trump— just like me, when he sees a pussy he wants, he grabs it. As I can attest, when you’re a star, they let you do anything!
What’s that you say? It’s inappropriate that I model romantic behavior for small children watching my Saturday morning cartoon? I am insulted, and I beg to differ. I teach young boys that a woman who acts terrified of you really means, “Pursue me all over Paris and take me against my will!” You see, it’s très romantique! Why, if you look at the plot of most of the romance novels of the ’70s, ’80s, and ‘90s — not to mention Fifty Shades of Grey — you’ll see that the timid virgin adores being overpowered by a forceful man, despite her protests. What, that’s proof entire generations have been raised to accept disturbing behavior? Here, I must give a charming Gallic shrug.
Why are you using that hashtag #balancetonporc on your phone? You know it means “squeal on your pig” in French? I am a proud skunk — not a pig at all. But I love the fire I see your eyes. You are angry, and there’s nothing I like more than a challenge. My darling, may I kiss your hand? No? Well, I’ll kiss it anyway.
Don’t run away — you know there’s nothing I love more than a challenge, mon amour! Ah, my little darling, it is love at first sight, is it not? Don’t you know that no means yes, my love? Perhaps later, after we make sweet, sweet love, we can share a cigarette while you file your police report.
Fiona Taylor has been catcalled by Pepe Le Pew PLENTY, thank you very much. She thinks the stripe down her back helps.
